Monday, May 8, 2017

Depression Isn't "Just" Anything

My depression is no shower for a week because the energy to do that is too much.

My depression is 
"Have you eaten today?" 
"I had a hot pocket and some mints." 
"GO. EAT." 
"I will." 
"Do it now." 
My depression is no sheets on the bed because putting even the fitted sheet takes more time than just draping my blanket over the top and sleeping on top of that.

I was "too happy to be depressed" when I was 15. 

I didn't understand what I was experiencing because no one talks about depression, especially among teenagers.

And, like so many 15-year-olds, I was "above" mental illness because I "wasn't like other teenagers."

Whatever the fuck that means. 

Some days are really, really good and I think maybe it was just a phase.

"Just a phase" is a really bittersweet pipe dream, for me. (I hope it's different for you, reader.)

Gods, I wish someone had told me when I was younger that IT IS OKAY TO TAKE COMFORT FROM "FRIVOLOUS" PURSUITS. 

Fuck, if your depression is eased by video games and TV shows and movies, or board games or collecting rocks (I'm a fan of rocks, myself): THAT IS OKAY. THAT IS WONDERFUL.

Like, goddamn, be fucking proud of yourself for finding a healthy and enjoyable way to cope with your depression. 

Sometimes it's hard to tell if I need to isolate myself or actively immerse myself in social interaction in order to cope with my depression. I try to do some serious self-reflection when I feel myself instinctively withdrawing. 

Is this going to be helpful to me or will this actually prolong this session (for lack of a better term)? The answer varies, and sometimes I'm wrong.  

Having friends who are also neurodivergent in various ways (personality disorders, depression, anxiety, etc) is so validating and helpful in a lot of different ways. Different coping mechanisms, clear communication to avoid hurdles, checking in with each other to make sure we're all getting what we need.

It's not perfect. There are plenty of times when we clash and misunderstandings happen and the different ways we see the world and experience and communicate can result in tangled wires and hurt feelings. But we work hard to untangle them and we understand each other in a way that neurotypicals tend to miss the mark on.

Your depression is valid, whether you're formally diagnosed or not.
Your depression is valid, whether you're taking meds or not.
Your depression is valid, whether others believe you or not. 

(I believe you and I'm here for you.)